Changes Afoot

Everything I want to say keeps coming out in song lyrics and clichés, so I’ll put it simply: I’m switching careers and going after my RN. I’m going to be a nurse. I can imagine this might confuse a lot of people who know me as I’m highly creative and I do things like dance and write and play with social media… which are all awesome, so let me explain.

I was (am) very good at my job. I like the psychology and theory behind what I do with social media. It fascinates me, but unless I’m doing it for the right people or the right reasons it feels forced and fake which goes against everything I believe it should be. And having to sit in an office, even a fancy one with great perks, for eight hours every day kills a part of me. I get lost in my head. I need to be moving and physically doing things. It has taken me a good portion of my life to realize this. I will always have these skills, and if my new career doesn’t work out I have a breadth of abilities to pursue in the future.

Being a CNA and then an RN allows me a job where I get to move around, I get to help people, and I get to hone a skill set that is tangible. I grew up around medicine and have always been grateful to the medical staff that give part of themselves to their patients and patients families. I want to give that to people. In constantly moving and doing I don’t have to get stuck in my head. Also, nursing will open up for me a world I’m not accustomed to in terms of financial stability and job security. Things which, at this point in my life I need to focus on to get where I want to be. As artistic and creative as I am there is a rational side of my brain that feels neglected. Don’t think for a second I’ll let it flip around and focus on the science of being a nurse so completely that I let my artistry die. I will still be reading up on communications, and writing, and dancing. Those are things I could never give up, and honestly I think will only make me better at whatever I do.

This past six months have been a lesson in patience. No matter how many times I reinvented my approach, I never managed to connect to the right people at the right time in the right way to interest them enough to talk with me about work. Maybe I didn’t look in the right places, or my timing was simply off, or I just don’t know the right people. Though the people I do know are pretty great so I don’t know if being connected to other people, or other types of people would have gotten me anywhere I wanted or needed to be.

This past six months made me question a lot about how I evaluate myself. How much stock do I put in my education? my work experience? my hobbies? my (lack) of social life due to having friends all over the world? the amount of hours I spend on tumblr? or the ones spent writing? the hours I spend dancing? how many pairs of pointe shoes I go through? how healthy I eat? What are the things that define me? yes and no to all of these. Each is only an aspect of who I am, and I cannot let one thing however good or bad define me completely. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if it was time for a new Plan A. And if making a new plan was giving up or moving on and if there was even a difference. Perhaps, but I’m making a decision to change in the hope that I will do better and sometimes that is harder than continuing on with what I have done, which is comfortable, even if I will fail.

This past six months not a lot happened. Everything rolled to a screeching halt as I searched for a job. Slowly I started doing things I had set aside, like writing. Although I’m not nearly at where I had hoped, I just passed 40k on my first novel and still have another 30k+ to write I estimate. I also keep writing poems when I’m not trying. I kept dancing, and got back into aerial yoga. I feel more like myself than I have in a very long time. I feel more aware and in control (or at least willing to roll with whatever comes my way).

In essence, perspective.

This past week I feel that everything has happened. I officially decided I’m going back to school next month. I’ll be getting my CNA license (Certified Nursing Assistant) this term and starting my prequisites for my BSN (Bachelor of Science: Nursing). I’ve been offered a couple of jobs, and am in the running for a couple more. Strangely enough none of these jobs are in “my field”. I rewrote my resume to focus only on customer service/management, dropped my masters degree (sorry future employer if you’re reading this I’m hella educated, which really shouldn’t affect your decision anyway), and BAM phone calls for interviews. If I had tried this six months ago I don’t believe it would have worked. I needed this last six months of struggle to realize what is really important to me. It’s in that confidence that I believe everything finally started coming together.

I made a decision. I did something (that wasn’t passive and just sending out resume after resume). Maybe this is the universe’s way of saying I made the right decision, or that I opened a door so I found the tools I need to succeed.

Whatever it is,

I’m going on an adventure.

 

Monica Sellers, marvel t shirt

future health professional, and forever geek, thank you everyone for your support! This adventure is only just beginning. 

 

A Wish For Each Year.

My mother and I, Christmas 1989

1989. 25 years ago.

Today is Mom’s birthday.
This is the sixth time this particular notification has popped up on my laptop since she died.
I can’t bring myself to delete the entry on my calendar.
It’s been
5 years,
1 month, and
4 days
since she died.
That’s 1,860 days.

I’m fairly certain not a single one of those days has passed that I haven’t thought of her since she passed, even if it was just for a fleeting moment. More often than not I have something I want to tell her, or ask her, or share with her. Today she would have been 60. It’s weird to think that she’s been gone for five years. It might be even stranger to think that this year would have been a huge milestone. I wonder how we would have gotten on as adults, now that I’m settling into myself and figuring out what is really important to me.

So much has happened in the last 1,860 days. And since I can’t directly share this with her, I want to share five wishes, five things I wish I could have shared with her, one for each year she’s been gone.

1) I wanted to share France with her. Then Belgium, The Netherlands, England, Wales, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Denmark, Sweden, Scotland, and Australia. I originally decided to keep this blog going so I could show her all the wonderful things around the world, things I knew that she would never be able to travel and see, but maybe if I saw them for her she could experience them too. Somewhere along the line I decided to just keep writing anyway.

2) Social media. Just before she had her first heart attack we were talking about getting her on Facebook. I think she would have loved it. I think she might have gotten Twitter, too. I know she would have loved the chance to talk with old friends more often and keep in touch with people who had moved away.

3) Music. These past few years I have grown increasingly engaged with music. I have so many bands and songs that have had an incredible impact on me. I feel like she would have enjoyed the music and the people behind it. And what I wouldn’t give to have been able to introduce her to Amanda Palmer, both her music and as a person/thinker/friend.

4) My writing. I’ll finish this novel one day. I’ll write more stories. I think the last creative piece she read of mine was a poem I wrote when I was 15.

5) Dance. I started dancing four years before she passed away but she never saw me dance outside our living room. She never saw me on stage. Since I’ve danced as a guest with Eugene Ballet Company three times. It’s the one thing I truly wish I could change.