98 days later

I’ve been writing, a lot, nearly 70,000 words of narrative since late August when you last heard from me here. Which may be part of the reason I haven’t felt like updating, but not the entirety of it. I’ve been getting all my words and emotions out in other spaces. I also felt like I needed a break from all of my public social media accounts. Though I have to say I’ve missed some of my friends dearly because that was the main, or only way, we communicated. Social media had been my job, and trying to stay active felt like a job because I didn’t have a lot I wanted to share. Life wasn’t exactly going well.

Now, I’m in a different place and I’m adjusting still to being a student again, to not having money, to working and doing things at odd hours of the day, to not having a set schedule, to needing to be everywhere all at once. It feels like now more than before. Before I lived in a nice little bubble never having to run more than 5 blocks away from where I was. Now I have 3(4) different areas of town I have to be in on any given day. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.

Let me first do a quick recap in no particular order since the last week in August:

  • my plans for an RN has morphed into a PTA – Physical Therapy Assistant. I’m going that route for a lot of the same reasons I was going to do my RN, but you know me, I do movement. So this makes more sense
  • I’ve been really active in fandoms again, this time on tumblr, because I wanted a stress free creative outlet
  • I’ve been writing, a lot, almost every day
  • Because of these last two things I’ve made some new friends
  • I got to see Amanda Palmer again, and meet up with friends I haven’t seen in over a year
  • Amanda Palmer’s book is amazing and I’ve been so busy I haven’t been able to finish it yet
  • and apparently I’m getting old because I keep deciding sleep is more important than reading
  • I turned 28
  • I’m going to start teaching aerial yoga
  • I have a bunch of photos to process yet, so I may do another update soon if I get the chance, who knew school would take up so much time. Clearly I’ve blocked that memory out.
monica+connie

Cat and I after the concert + signing line for the Amanda Palmer book tour in Portland. It’s midnight, and I’m clearly exhausted.

 

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aerial yoga silks! I’m really excited that I’m working towards getting to teach, hopefully come January….

 

And although things are going better I’m behind on a lot of things, mostly catching up with friends and reestablishing friendships. I’m still mentally recovering from last winter. So if you haven’t heard from me lately it isn’t because I don’t want to talk, I probably do, I probably miss you. I’ve just been so overwhelmed realizing that I kind of dropped the ball on keeping up with anyone around me that I don’t know where to start picking back up again.

Honestly I’m not sure what’s going to happen with this blog. I’d like to keep it going but I’m unsure where we’re going. That’s life though. One never-ending adventure propelled forward by the unknown. That’s what makes it interesting though, no matter how much we plan we never really know where we’re going to end up.

Changes Afoot

Everything I want to say keeps coming out in song lyrics and clichés, so I’ll put it simply: I’m switching careers and going after my RN. I’m going to be a nurse. I can imagine this might confuse a lot of people who know me as I’m highly creative and I do things like dance and write and play with social media… which are all awesome, so let me explain.

I was (am) very good at my job. I like the psychology and theory behind what I do with social media. It fascinates me, but unless I’m doing it for the right people or the right reasons it feels forced and fake which goes against everything I believe it should be. And having to sit in an office, even a fancy one with great perks, for eight hours every day kills a part of me. I get lost in my head. I need to be moving and physically doing things. It has taken me a good portion of my life to realize this. I will always have these skills, and if my new career doesn’t work out I have a breadth of abilities to pursue in the future.

Being a CNA and then an RN allows me a job where I get to move around, I get to help people, and I get to hone a skill set that is tangible. I grew up around medicine and have always been grateful to the medical staff that give part of themselves to their patients and patients families. I want to give that to people. In constantly moving and doing I don’t have to get stuck in my head. Also, nursing will open up for me a world I’m not accustomed to in terms of financial stability and job security. Things which, at this point in my life I need to focus on to get where I want to be. As artistic and creative as I am there is a rational side of my brain that feels neglected. Don’t think for a second I’ll let it flip around and focus on the science of being a nurse so completely that I let my artistry die. I will still be reading up on communications, and writing, and dancing. Those are things I could never give up, and honestly I think will only make me better at whatever I do.

This past six months have been a lesson in patience. No matter how many times I reinvented my approach, I never managed to connect to the right people at the right time in the right way to interest them enough to talk with me about work. Maybe I didn’t look in the right places, or my timing was simply off, or I just don’t know the right people. Though the people I do know are pretty great so I don’t know if being connected to other people, or other types of people would have gotten me anywhere I wanted or needed to be.

This past six months made me question a lot about how I evaluate myself. How much stock do I put in my education? my work experience? my hobbies? my (lack) of social life due to having friends all over the world? the amount of hours I spend on tumblr? or the ones spent writing? the hours I spend dancing? how many pairs of pointe shoes I go through? how healthy I eat? What are the things that define me? yes and no to all of these. Each is only an aspect of who I am, and I cannot let one thing however good or bad define me completely. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if it was time for a new Plan A. And if making a new plan was giving up or moving on and if there was even a difference. Perhaps, but I’m making a decision to change in the hope that I will do better and sometimes that is harder than continuing on with what I have done, which is comfortable, even if I will fail.

This past six months not a lot happened. Everything rolled to a screeching halt as I searched for a job. Slowly I started doing things I had set aside, like writing. Although I’m not nearly at where I had hoped, I just passed 40k on my first novel and still have another 30k+ to write I estimate. I also keep writing poems when I’m not trying. I kept dancing, and got back into aerial yoga. I feel more like myself than I have in a very long time. I feel more aware and in control (or at least willing to roll with whatever comes my way).

In essence, perspective.

This past week I feel that everything has happened. I officially decided I’m going back to school next month. I’ll be getting my CNA license (Certified Nursing Assistant) this term and starting my prequisites for my BSN (Bachelor of Science: Nursing). I’ve been offered a couple of jobs, and am in the running for a couple more. Strangely enough none of these jobs are in “my field”. I rewrote my resume to focus only on customer service/management, dropped my masters degree (sorry future employer if you’re reading this I’m hella educated, which really shouldn’t affect your decision anyway), and BAM phone calls for interviews. If I had tried this six months ago I don’t believe it would have worked. I needed this last six months of struggle to realize what is really important to me. It’s in that confidence that I believe everything finally started coming together.

I made a decision. I did something (that wasn’t passive and just sending out resume after resume). Maybe this is the universe’s way of saying I made the right decision, or that I opened a door so I found the tools I need to succeed.

Whatever it is,

I’m going on an adventure.

 

Monica Sellers, marvel t shirt

future health professional, and forever geek, thank you everyone for your support! This adventure is only just beginning.